Necessary skills needed for surviving German grocery stores

There used to be this ridiculous game show on TV where the contestents had to run through the grocery store with only a certain amount of time and find everything that was on some list. They would race through the aisles and people would scream at them and try to cheer them on. I have no idea what the point of the show was, but this is what I think of when I go grocery shopping here in Deutschland.......
There are absolutely no Costco type stores here in the Big G. There is no possible way for anyone to "stock-up", just as we do in den USA. You cannot find things in the Family Size, Value Package, or buy things in bulk. It's not done that way here. Also, grocery stores are closed on Sundays and close early in the evenings; esspecially on Saturday.
Remember when people were freaking out about Y2K? Everyone was building their own bomb shelters and piling up canned foods........This is the feeling I have when I go shopping at the local Aldi.
It's utter chaos. People are fighting over bread. People are racing shopping carts. Everyone's panicing. Naturally, if you're surrounded by dozens upon dozens of crazy people, you begin to go crazy yourself. I have learned how to cope with this and how to survive the Aldi experience.
Rule number one: You must be fast.
Not just quick.......But really very fast.......Mostly at the register. This is how it goes down here......You quickly throw your food onto the conveyer belt and promptly grab the divider to barracade your items. If you don't other Germans will hate you. Yes. Hate you.
Immediately after your things are out and ready to be scanned you must already being pulling out your wallet while simutaneously preparing yourself to catch the food when it is thrown off of the conveyer belt by the cashier.
And truly, your food is thrown. This is no exaggeration. It reminds me of tennis practice when I was a kid. There was that machine that shot the balls out at you and I would hit them from the otherside of the court.....Instead, it's food.
You don't get paper or plastic bags here unless you buy them. So everyone brings their own bags (you also bag your own food). The bag is like the tennis racket. It's what you use to catch the food.
Meanwhile, your ears are filtering out the "beep, beep, beep" from the scanner and readying yourself to hear the grand total of your purchase. For me, I have to listen extra carfeully because I still need to think about what I hear auf Deutsch. I'm still translating in my mind. And there is a little something special about saying a number in German. We say "twenty-three", the two and THEN the three....Not here! They say "three and twenty". It's not that the concept is any way difficult to understand, but for a non-native speaker it's just the same as saying the alphabet backwards. You have to think about it.
So my total is: six and thirty, one and ninety. 36.91
There also is an element of math here and if anyone knows me well.............
Ok, so we are holding out our money, catching food, moving out of the way so that the next person can que themselves at the cash register, accepting change and then literally evacuating the area. Once you have received your change, there is no reason whatsoever to see your face anymore. You no longer have any reason to be standing anywhere near the register. You must leave. Talk about customer service.
I have my food now balanced on every part of my body and I carry it to the "food arranging area" where people organize what they just bought and caught. The shopping trip has come to an end.
Being fast is really the only rule to surviving an Aldi shopping trip on your average Saturday afternoon. I typically try to fit in my shopping during the week to avoid getting pushed by old ladies and shouted at by frustrated mothers in the dairy aisle. But shopping during the week does not mean you can be any slower, if anything you have to be quicker! Even if you're the only person in line. Makes no difference.
I have found the Aldi experience to be quit comical. And simply ridiculous.